I
made an interesting discovery recently. I discovered that I have not
one but three wives. There’s Lisa, the one with whom I recall
exchanging vows and rings. The others, well for the purposes of this
column we’ll just call them Jill and Tamara. As wives will do on
occasion, Jill and Tamara were nagging me about writing a column with a
holiday “theme”. Having already been chastised on more than one
occasion for not having already WRITTEN a seasonal column, for the sake
of marital harmony and more to the point, to get them off my back, here
it is.
It’s the most
wonderful time of the year. Not. Were you hoping for a feel good
column? Move along then, nothing to see here. Yes that’s right, I’m
feeling just a wee bit Scrooge-ish. I think it began around November 13
when my car radio suddenly began to play Christmas carols. I kid you
not, November 13th. I have always felt the week of
Thanksgiving a might too early for the Christmas blitz but November 13th?
Please.
In the span of one
more generation our world will be “All Christmas—All the time”. Feliz
Navidad will be in 24 hour rotation on your radio. 365 days of Huge
Savings Spectacular sale commercials, the late Frank Sinatra being
paired with everyone from Pink to Prince for a Christmas duet and every
two bit actor that ever made a guest appearance on The Love Boat will
have their very own Down Home Country Christmas special on TV. Humbug.
For its simplicity,
Thanksgiving is definitely my favorite holiday. Eating, drinking and
watching TV. If ever there were a GUY’S holiday, it’s Thanksgiving. No
decorating, nothing to wrap and NO SHOPPING, save for food and beer.
When was the last time anyone agonized over finding that “perfect” bag
of Idaho russets for the mashed potatoes? Never happens.
At the time of this
writing we are exactly one week away from Christmas. I have yet to step
foot inside of a store. We still have not sent out our Christmas cards,
you know those cute ones from Costco with our smiling, happy family?
Yea, that’s the one. Clear a spot on your fridge because it should
arrive sometime close to Valentine’s day. In fact, while I’m writing
this column I really SHOULD be addressing Christmas card envelopes. See
how it is? Two wives nagging me about writing a column and a third on
me to address Christmas cards. At Thanksgiving no one nags me to take
seconds on stuffing or to “have another beer for Pete’s sake”.
I HAVE managed to
string Christmas lights on the house. We decided this year to leave the
icicle lights (in the knots they always manage to tie themselves in
between hangings) up in the rafters. We bought a very simple strand of
colored lights and they were up in 15 minutes. Don’t get me wrong, the
icicle lights are very pretty but the cursing that ensues during the 2+
hours it takes to hang them somehow detracts from their beauty.
The Christmas tree
is up as well—$40—Albertson’s baby. OK, sure the needles are already
littering our family room floor but what of it? They way I figure it,
there’s less to burn should the parched scrub go up like a Roman candle.
Sure a naked tree is kind of unbecoming but we all remember Charlie
Brown—a few ornaments and a little love. That’s all any of us really
needs. I know that’s all I need. Lord knows I don’t need any more
STUFF. I’ve got too much STUFF already. Please, no more STUFF. Take
me off your STUFF list. I want a STUFF free Christmas.
Geez, what’s wrong
with me anyway? There’s no cause for the bile spew. My apologies to my
wives and the rest of you. Three crazy spirits and a guy wrapped in
chains just reminded me that Christmas is a time to think about peace on
earth and good will toward our fellow man. Cancel the gripe fest! Let
the bells ring from on high, let the children dance and sing and let us
link hands across this great world of ours and raise our voices in
song. Does everyone know the words to Feliz Navidad?
Bio:
Clayton resident, Joe Romano, is a freelance
writer for hire. He can be reached at
jromano01@yahoo.com
