In punishment for what I can only imagine to have been one doozy of a past sin, my wife and I have been cursed with…a picky eater.

Now I know what you’re saying, “you want to talk about picky eaters, well then pull up a chair and let me chaw on your ear a spell”.  Well maybe you’re not saying that exactly, but something similar I’m sure.  Never the less, we can chaw all day long and you still won’t convince me, not even if all your kid will eat is un-cooked spaghetti noodles and Saltines from which, under his scrupulous gaze, each individual grain of salt has been removed.

My daughter is the Mike Tyson of picky eaters, and even old Iron Mike would at least try an ear.  My kid, forget it, not even a plain ear, no sauce.  It’s staggering the sheer number of things she won’t eat while her list of staples could easily fit on the head of a pin and still leave room for plenty of dancing angels.  A few of her current staples, any one of which is subject to change without notice, include plain pasta, chocolate ice cream, Banquet Fun Nuggets®, shoestring potatoes, popcorn and Safeway® brand canned sliced pears. She reserves the right to refuse any of the above due to drops of sauce, improper preparation, invisible “specks” or objects of a stringy nature, or simply because it does not “look right”.

Take breakfast for example.  She’s been eating the aforementioned sliced canned pears (in light juice, no heavy syrup) and her special milk shake for going on 6 years.  Now understand, that’s EVERY morning, holidays, birthdays, while travelling to foreign lands.  There is no reprieve, which means my wife and I have had to travel, on occasion, with a blender.  Now that’s a tough one to get through airport security I can tell you.

In all honesty we don’t complain much about the milkshake.  It’s far and away the healthiest thing she eats all day- milk, Ovaltine, peanut butter and banana whipped to a frothy delight.  Sounds yummy huh?  About makes me want to get sick in my hat but so long as she’s happy, I’m happy. 

Interestingly enough, things MOST kids will eat, she won’t.  Take peanut butter for example.  She’ll eat it in her milkshake or off of a spoon, but surround it with bread?  “Waiter, take this away.  Who do I look like, Mike Tyson?”

Get this.  You know what she’s been taking in her lunch the past several weeks, after burning out on the 2 x 1-inch squares of cheddar cheese she’s been eating for the past three months?  Shrimp.  Yes you read that correctly, shrimp, as in $7.00 a pound, precooked shrimp. The kid that won’t eat any type of candy or ice cream other than chocolate will eat shrimp.  PB& J may be good enough for YOUR kid but the princess has been dining on chilled shrimp and orange slices these past few weeks.  All told, her majesty has probably consumed approximately 50 shrimp, give or take the occasional one that does not “look right” or the one that Kyle kicked out of her hand when he was grossed out by the sight of it.  Perhaps it was simply payback for the time when she, grossed out by the sight of PB&J on white bread, sent his lunch flying.  I kid of course.  She would not be caught dead dining with the PB&J crowd.  The shrimp eaters get special tables, cloth napkins, water glasses with lemon, situated enviably close to the hopscotch courts.

THIS JUST IN: Bagels and cream cheese are officially off the list.  Would someone please admit a few more dancing angels to the party?  Oh and if you have any good ear recipes, please forward them on.

Bio:

Joe Romano is a Clayton Resident and freelance writer. He can be reached at jromano01@yahoo.com