Anyone who reads Dave Barry’s column on a regular basis knows that he is forever coming up with what he believes would be great band names.

Having had many friends in high school that played in bands, I am all too aware of the importance of coming up with that perfect name and how much time and energy goes into this process.  Who can deny that the selection of that just perfect moniker can make or break a band?  I mean does anyone remember The Wizdom Rats besides their parents and me? Probably not.

How about some of those bands that did, if you will, “make it” only to drop off the face of the earth: Men Without Hats? Kajagoogoo? The guy who wrote the Pina Colada song? I’m absolutely convinced that many of those One Hit Wonders were only OHW BECAUSE of their names.  Let’s face it, how far can you expect to get with the name Haircut 100? 

So, as a service to all you teenagers out there with dreams of musical stardom I am offering, in no particular order, the following list of possible names. Might I suggest that one of you develop a web site chat room so that you will have a forum for discussion and decision making?  There are plenty of good ones to go around so please try to be fair about it.  All have been cross-referenced on Bandname.com so as to avoid duplication.  That being said, my apologies in advance if any of these names are all ready taken.  This will simply help to demonstrate just how out of touch I am with the current musical scene.

I have but one requirement. If your band makes it big with one of my suggestions you must credit me by way of a song, my mug on a tour T-shirt, a shout out to me during your Grammy acceptance speech. Something.  Anything. Oh one more thing. Before you read each name you must loudly say: “Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome!”…  

Are we ready?  OK then…

Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome!….

1)      Spastic Colon

2)      Squirrel Carcass

3)      The Zen Monkeys

4)      Needling Pimps

5)      Harry Mandrill (get it? ha!)

6)      Playground Hooligans

7)      Waning Morals

8)      Spitting Llama

9)      John Denver

10)  Tú Dos

11)  Moonbeams and Rainbows (can you tell I’m getting tired?)

12)  Pork and Beans (VERY tired?)

13)  Ground Chuck (and hungry?)

Whew.  That’s it for me folks.  I think I’ll kick back with a little Strawberry Alarm Clock and call it a day.

THANK YOU CLAYTON!   GOOD NIGHT!

IN OTHER NEWS

My children have become accustomed to what we commonly refer to as “food”. They also seem quite fond of the wood and stucco (albeit, crumbling) structure in which they eat their food, store their toys and lay their little heads after a hard day’s play.

It is for these reasons that I now find myself conducting that dreaded activity known as…The Job Search. Yes, that’s right, yours truly, along with about 75 percent of the residents of our fine state, will soon fin himself on in the breadline, hoping that we aren’t heading into a yeast recession.  As such, I am taking advantage of my bully pulpit to spread the word that I AM FOR SALE. My contact information is below.  All sane offers will be considered.

BIO: Clayton resident, Joe Romano is a free-lance writer for hire. He can be contacted at jromano01@yahoo.com