Another summer has come and gone and like many of you I was able to enjoy the family vacation. That’s right folks, there’s nothing like boarding that plane, putting the seat back in its full downright position, cracking the spine on that new book and dropping the tray table to enjoy that microscopic bag of “cheddar snax”. Yes, it’s great to travel though for some odd reason my wife does not share my joy. 

Perhaps some of you have not enjoyed the singular experience of air travel with children; the long lines at security check points, the close quarters of airplane cabins and the dirty looks from the poor unfortunate soul sitting in front of your over active man child. Travel by mini-van is quite different.  You can stop when you need to, you can actually yell at your kids as opposed to speaking sternly through clenched teeth, and you can flip on the old VCR/DVD player.  How many of you recall road trips when WE were kids?  VCR’s? Please.  We had the window, otherwise known as “Nature’s TV”.

No, airline travel with kids is a whole other animal. The joy and ecstasy of packing up half of your house and hauling it 2500 miles so that you can then UNPACK it and relax.  It sounds crazy, I know but unfortunately this must be done because relaxing at home is out of the question; far too many distractions. 

Speaking of distractions, as I begin my book my wife is making her 3^rd trip to the bathroom.  The first trip was, selfishly, for herself.  Shortly thereafter the girl suddenly became aware of her bladder.  They return to find that the girl had left her water tumbler (yes, TUMBLER-if you look very closely you’ll notice that my children have begun to grow scales) upside down in her seat which created a small pond on the flotation device.  Thank goodness for those in-flight pillows. Very absorbent. Once again settled, drink cups arranged and my wife back to work on her term paper the boy then decides he needs to go.  Needless to say all this up and down, back and forth from across the aisle is making it very difficult to concentrate on my book. 

You may be wondering why I don’t get up to help her.  There’s a very simple explanation, (and no it’s not because I’m a selfish cretin) you see I am the keeper of the cups. Each time someone needs to get up all the cups, soda cans, etc are passed across the aisle and placed on my tray. This is a very important job and cannot be entrusted to just anyone.  It requires much responsibility so back off.

Apropos of nothing, we discovered on this trip that in the event of an emergency, the bathroom doors can be unlocked from the outside.  Makes sense of course.  I mean, take for example the emergency of a 5 year old boy who has locked himself in the bathroom and is repeatedly enjoying the satisfying WOOSH of the airplane toilet.  God only knows how much “blue ice” he sent hurtling into the great beyond before the flight attendant unlocked the door and my wife was able to forcibly remove him.

Yes those precious kids do require a lot of entertainment don’t they? Fortunately I’m married to the Julie McCoy of the friendly skies.  Equipped with an arsenal of in-flight entertainment; Game Boys, Leap Pads, Rainbow Art and all types of books, coloring and otherwise, she’s managed to keep them occupied for about the first 7 minutes of our five hour flight.  Oh look, she’s breaking out the felt board now. Hee, hee.  That should occupy them long enough to allow me to pull down the brim of my cap and take a little snooze in practice for those Florida beaches.

The “take away” from all this is simple. Be prepared.  No matter what type of trip you’re taking there are three must-not-forget essentials: a good book, a good hat and a wife with the patience of Job and an armory of entertainment paraphernalia.  You single fella’s may wish to add that last one to your list of desirables when choosing a mate.  You’ll thank me later.

BIO:

Clayton resident, Joe Romano is a free-lance writer and may be contacted at jromano01@yahoo.com