So I just returned from my first job interview in 7 years. I DEFINITELY need to practice my hoop jumping skills.

In today’s corporate world the folks who decide if you’re worthy are typically A) Human Resources and Regional Vice Presidents, B) located in such hot destination spots as Munster Indiana, and C) have, in most cases, recently volunteered to take part in a frontal lobotomy/Nazi cloning experiment.

Phase One of the process begins with the telephone interview. This can be difficult because of the inability to read body language and facial expressions. However, you are also free to conduct the interview “au natural” or give the interviewer the finger, or both. Be creative and have fun with it.

Providing you do not come across as a babbling idiot, curse too often, and have at least SOME of the qualifications they’re looking for, chances are you will move on to Phase Two—the “Face to Face” interview.

Prior to the actual interview you’ll be asked to complete a “personality” test, so that HR can get a better idea as to “who you are.” If, upon completion, you are met by office security, you can assume that you are not the right candidate for the job. Thank you for playing; please exit stage left.

If deemed sufficiently sane you will move on to the face to face portion of the interview. You MUST get past this person if you are to advance to Phase Three. By “get past” I do not mean that you employ a haymaker and a knee to the groin. No, here is where you must IMPRESS them with your winning smile, witty demeanor and if all else fails your qualifications.

For the sake of argument and this column, let’s assume that between you, the babbling idiot and the homicidal maniac, YOU are chosen to move on to Phase Three, “The Home Office Visit”. Now believe me when I say the home office will NOT be located anywhere one might actually CHOOSE to visit.  Again, expect to end up somewhere like Omaha, Nebraska, Junction City, Kansas or Concord, California. Former residents of these cities quit whining. You know I’m right. You moved didn’t you?

The home office trip is when you really get to shine and where you’ll have the opportunity to impress the top brass. In order to test your mettle they will fly you in late on the night before your interview with instructions to attend a 7:00 AM breakfast meeting. Here you will be peppered with ostensibly chitchat type questions, when in fact they’re trying to determine how functional you are in the morning.

Your meeting with the Human Resource person will be presented as the feel good portion of the interview. Don’t be fooled. They are actually trying to gauge how much of a legal liability you might become. A word of advice, off color jokes, while typically a great ice breaker, do not go over well with the HR staff. In fact, most HR folks I’ve encountered have completely lost their ability to laugh; afraid they’ll be accused of inappropriate mirth.

No home office visit would be complete with out the panel interview. Here you will sit across the table from anywhere between 4 and 400 executives who will derive great pleasure in asking you why in the name of all things holy they should even CONSIDER hiring a worthless piece of cow dung like you? This is a trick question because as we all know in places like Omaha, Nebraska, cow dung is considered a form of currency. Just smile politely and sprinkle whatever response you can muster with terms like “win-win” “mission statement”, “shared values”, “buy in” and “team work”. Clearly, they’ll see you’ve got the right stuff.

In the end the decision to hire you will come down to just one thing, were you less “cow dung-like” than your competition? This is very subjective so my advice is not to sweat it. Be yourself, enjoy the free trip and rack up a huge expense tab thereby proving to them that you are unquestionably “Executive” material.