Failure to Read This May be Hazardous to Your Health

Please listen carefully. Many of you, perhaps your loved ones, are in grave danger and you’re not even aware of it, particularly if you’re not reading this column which is the very reason your life is in such peril.

You see there’s a woman out there, at most, just a short drive away from where you are at this very minute. For all intents and purposes, a saintly woman. A pleasant, kind, wouldn’t-hurt-a-fly type of woman. Except when the subject of whether or not you read this column arises and then she can turn downright ugly. I mean a hissing, spitting, head-spinning-while-puking-pea-soup, kind of ugly. Who is this saint/Satan incarnate? Why my dear, sweet mother of course.

I think I can say with 100% certainty that mom is my #1 fan. Many of you current readers can attest to this, as you probably became readers on account of my mother. Think back. You ran into her at church or the Clayton Police Dept. prior to her retirement. You chatted about inconsequentials- the weather, vacations, etc. and then—The Question. “Do you read my son’s column?”

“Casual” readers take heed. Should ever you find yourselves face to face with mom and this question arises (and it will), save yourselves and answer accordingly:

“Oh of course I do. I never miss it. He is so funny. You must be very proud.” 

Forget about your foolish pride or the fact that you wouldn’t be caught dead reading such sophomoric dribble, otherwise you may very well find yourself on the business end of a smiting the likes of which has not been witnessed since Noah built himself the first cabin cruiser. On the brighter side, after the smiting she’ll very likely fix you something to eat.

Mom has been known to question, and in some cases admonish, complete strangers simply because they were unfortunate enough to reside in the 94517 zip code. Occasionally I’ll hear about how so and so doesn’t read my column or only read it occasionally. Mom’s world ceases to make sense when she hears this. “I don’t understand. Why would anyone NOT read it?” 

The natural order of the universe goes wonky and her entire belief system begins to short circuit. When I mentioned that approximately 30% of respondents to the Clayton Pioneer’s reader survey indicated that they never read my column (though approximately 39% ALWAYS read it, so there) you’d have thought that someone said that her grandchildren resemble trolls or that a nice hot meal isn’t the cure for what ails you. 

So please, I implore you. For your own safety and for mom’s continued sanity, (we pray it has a few more good years) read my column. Warn family and friends. I don’t know if I could handle the guilt if something were to happen to one of you at mom’s hands, much as you might deserve it.