“Lollygag”, as defined by Merriam-Webster’s Online Dictionary, is an intransitive verb meaning to fool around or to dawdle.  “Dawdle” is defined as “to move lackadaisically”.  That being said, is it just me or does there seem to be an unusual amount of lollygaging taking place these days?  For a society that seems to spend most of its time travelling at Mach 1, no one seems to be in any hurry to get the hell out of my way. 

I am particularly aware of this lollygaging phenomenon when in my car.  I’m convinced that the moment I back out of my driveway a message is sent to the Lollygagger Command Post to ensure that one of their operatives is dispatched to park his butt right in front of me and then proceed to drive at least 5 mph BELOW the speed limit.  If there is a police car nearby it then drops to 10 mph.  This same individual will begin to slow down miles before they plan to turn, turn signal pulsing steadily the entire time.

Never underestimate the acumen of the lollygagger. Often times they will disguise themselves as elderly drivers so as to appear to have a legitimate reason for driving slowly with the blinker on. Look closely. Is that gray hair or blue? Neither, that’s make up and a powdered wig, baby!

In addition to the Lollygaging Automobile Units, there is a plethora of Pedestrian Lollygaggers that are set loose in huge droves. Perhaps you’ve noticed these annoying, yet persistent individuals, who make no attempt to walk quickly through the crosswalk or across the parking lot when they see that you waiting. In fact, they’re under strict orders to actually walk SLOWER. 

Lollygaggers come in all shapes, sizes and ages but by no means are the roadways the exclusive terrain of these heinous malefactors.  You can also spot them in grocery stores, taking their damn sweet time putting change back in their wallets or shuffling through their coupons.  They’ll make “chit-chat” with the cashier so as to slow up the check out process.  “Chit-Chat” is one of the most effective tactics of the lollygagger and he will undergo weeks of intense training so as to be comfortable chitting and/or chatting with anyone under any circumstance.  It may be as insignificant as discussing the weather or in the form of elaborate questions, which force the cashier to consult with a manager or (shudder) an “In-Store Savings” flyer.

The lollygagger will feign forgetfulness while standing in line at McDonald’s, a place that has had more or less the same menu since 1955. Stupidity at BART;  “Does the San Francisco train go to downtown San Francisco?”  Confusion at Starbucks; “How do the intense floral notes of the Ethiopian Yergacheffe compare to the spicy flavor notes of the Aged Sumatra?”

In order to combat this growing problem I am proposing an Anti-Lollygaging measure on our next ballot. We’ll call it, Proposition Get the Hell Out of My Way.  Aside from making me very happy, Prop GHMW will give the economy a much needed boost by way of new job opportunities.  Naturally, if we have anti-lollygaging laws then we will most certainly need an Anti-Lollygaging Enforcement unit.  Let’s go back to the grocery store example. Having received his change, the lollygagger is slowly replacing each coin into individual denomination slots in his wallet. It is at this point that burly, SWIFT moving agents will swoop in, grab said lollygagger by his lollygaging throat and, expeditiously, drag him from the line. This scene will play out similarly at Starbucks where our lollygagger will be force fed the nearest cup of coffee the agent can get his hands on while being shown the parking lot.

On the roads, lollygaging motorists will be extricated from their vehicles and taught to put a little pep in their step by running in front of a pack of mini-van driving soccer moms on their way to a practice and those dawdling on foot will simply be flattened where they lollygag.

Petitions to create this measure will be arriving shortly at a grocery store near you so run, RUN and add your voice to the cause.  And please, stay out of my way.