Once upon a time, newspapers used to hold a Mother’s Day contests in which their readers could write in and explain why THEIR mom should win a complete house cleaning from some local cleaning service.  I, myself entered many of these contests in hopes of winning one for my wife.  I always gave the typical reasons, that my wife works very hard, she’s a great wife and mom, she really deserves it, that I’m no help and am terribly lazy, blah, blah, blah. I never won.

Well THIS year I tell the truth.  Yes my wife would like to have our house cleaned by a maid. Why? Because WE don’t want to clean the damned place.  Come on, let’s say it together, house cleaning sucks.  And if you’ve got kids, really gross.  We’ve got a 6 year old son.  He’s short. He misses. Quite often.  That’s gross.  Do YOU want to get down there and clean the floor and the bowl and occasionally the walls? Me neither.  That’s why I’ve gotta win me a contest baby.

And let’s talk about the shower.  It gets that blackish moldy crud underneath the door and after enough of it’s built up it starts to kind of …fall out.  That’s gross.  I’M not going to get a toothbrush and scrub that crud.  Then someone would have to clean up vomit in addition to the black crud. My wife has a problem cleaning hair out of the drain. It’s kind of like a big dead rat when you pull it out. That’s gross too.  Are you starting to get the picture here? I mean the big picture, not the little one that tells you we’re slobs.

Now the kitchen, let’s not forget that.  Scouring sinks, cleaning the grease off the stove hood, scrubbing the oven because we’ve got a cheap non-self-cleaning model.  Cleaning out the refrigerator!  A veritable gross-fest. Congealed food substances that somehow manage to spill way in the back of the fridge that need to be removed with a putty knife. The hairballs that gather under that vent thingy below the door.  It’s more than I can bear, but all in a day’s work for a professional.

Do you have pets?  We do. Two Guinea Pigs, a rabbit and two hermit crabs.  They ought to call them Guano Pigs because that’s all they do.  Hell, that’s all ANY of them do. So that means cleaning out cages full of sopping wet newspaper.  What a treat!  Please shoot me now!

I could go on but you get the picture. Housework should best be left to the professionals and I’m more than willing to bow to their greater skill.  This is why I think my wife deserves to have a maid clean our house.  Thank you for considering my entry.