My wife just bought a new toaster.  A more accurate statement would be that she bought a new toaster OVEN.  An even MORE accurate statement would be that she bought the “Oster 6260 Super Turbo-Charged-I got your toast right here-Challenger” model toaster-oven.  This thing is about the size of a Chevy Vega and could easily house a family of large pygmies. So what if it takes up 75% of our available counter space?  Who needs counter space?  This baby does it all. 

Sure “Oster” makes toast (at least I think it does) but it can also bake, broil, warm, incinerate, perform long division, both old and new math AND consistently whoop Grand Master, Garry Kasparov’s whiney butt at chess.  Can you say Versatile Kitchen Appliance?  Deep Blue’s got nothin’ on my Oster. 

Boy was old Kasparov ever peeved last weekend, having dropped by for a friendly game of chess and some delicious Hot Pockets®.  Well not only did he lose to Oster but I also snatched the last Hot Pocket® (crisp and piping hot compliments of Oster) right out from under him.  Those chess guys have NO sense of humor whatsoever. Spoiled sport that he is, he rearranged my Rubik’s Cube ® before leaving.  He ignored Oster’s offer for a re-match but I think he’ll be back. If there’s one thing a true Grand Master Flash Chess guy digs is a Hot Pocket ®.  Don’t ask me why, it’s one of life’s great mysteries.  Perhaps it’s their simplistic perfection-meat and cheese wrapped in a tender flaky crust.  Who can resist ‘em??  Most mere mortals don’t have that kind of will power. Lord knows I don’t and apparently neither does Kasparov.

I’m sorry, I got lost in a little Hot Pocket® fantasy.  I’m OK now.  Incidentally, you may have noticed I like to employ the “registered” symbol ® quite a bit.  It’s probably not always necessary to indicate when something is a registered name or trademark but it sure is fun to type.  Try it!  ® ® ®.  Whee!

So anyway, back to my Oster.  I’m considering forming a club for Oster owners. I’m convinced that there is a complex sub-culture of Oster lovers out there just waiting for someone to stand up and say “I’m Joe Romano and I love my Oster.  Won’t you join me?”  I could be the beacon in their dark night. 

We can get together and discuss the pros and cons of our various Osters; broiler vs. baking pans, when it’s best to bake or when a quick toasting will do the job.  We’ll have long, in-depth discussions on that all-important pastry setting and laugh as we recall our first missteps in Oster experimentation.  I envision contests in which our Osters will go head to head to see whose produces the crispiest fish sticks, the most evenly browned toast and the most thoroughly heated pot pie.

We’ll send Christmas cards posing with our favorite Oster appliance- “Here’s wishing you a warm and TOASTY Christmas.”  The possibilities are endless, particularly if you have a lot of time on your hands as I apparently do.

You’ll have to excuse me now.  It appears Mr. Kasparov is on the phone and making some very disparaging remarks about Oster. Don’t worry, I’ll give the big baby his re-match but he’d better arrive bearing Hot Pockets® or the whole thing is off.

BIO: Clayton resident, Joe Romano is a free-lance writer for hire. He can be contacted at jromano01@yahoo.com